I fight many horrible things that take away from the quality of life God intended for me. I get bored and lost often, I forget what matters, and I wonder around doing only the bare minimum to get by at times. I will curse myself, beg to not be meant for more; to be OK with mediocrity. I don’t intend in part or in full to let my mind slip into this rut. Nor can I say that I enjoy any part of it. How can I let something stay in my life that I dislike? How can I voluntarily be OK with something so poisonous? At times, I simply lack purpose. I lack a driving force behind my actions.
My purpose was alive for a good part of the summer, and it took the form of school. For five weeks I had three full length classes to just absolutely destroy, which I did, and I knew exactly what to do every single moment of every day. For roughly 18 hours a week of those five weeks I worked. Roughly 9 hours a week I was in a classroom. I had tons of essays to write, subjunctive Spanish verb forms to learn, excerpts and poems to read and analyze. The list is huge and I knew every detail of it well in advance. I didn’t even think- I just did things and this made my summer a flash of lightning.
Time went by so fluidly, I mean the summer, it’s over! September is here, Fall is coming, Pumpkin spice is days away and class is already back in session. What is happening?! What have I been doing for the past week since school ended as I anticipate the fall semester? I feel as if I have been doing nothing. I have been doing things: picking up extra hours at work, starting, and finishing, several blog drafts, starting Bible School, cleaning, reading, writing, riding my bike, etc. This list is also rather extensive, and there are several productive activities presented here but in my spirit, and in my soul I feel as if I am not promoting my future as I truly desire.
I have been learning that much of what life’s composition is distraction. Seeking wealth, and a future for one’s own gain and legacy is not bad by any means, but for me it does not, independently, fill the throbbing pit in my soul. When my purpose is not clear, even my productive activities feel unproductive. I lie awake and wonder what in the world I am doing even though I got the grades I needed, my waist is shrinking, and my bank accounts are growing. I lack a greater purpose. This always leaves me empty. I do not feel as if there is anything that I can do in my own name that is worth my time.
That may sound self-loathing, and morbid; perhaps one of the thoughts that leads me into a spiraling depression, but it is not. It is the thought which reminds me that God is the only purpose that I have ever known to fulfill me, and beyond that His is the only name that I have found to be worthy. With God, and knowing how He sees me, I can confidently say that I can be productive and know that all I do is for a greater purpose- His purpose.
Knowing God is my purpose. Knowing him and making him known. That’s what makes my God different than any other god or ‘religion’. My only purpose is to know Him. For me, that’s all I need. I can’t stand to do things when I know they are worthless. So with God and His purpose, I find value. All I do is for Him, and now I am happy. I find peace and Joy in knowing this. I seek Him and I love Him. Above all I love Him and pray that He helps me love others.
Ephesians 3:6-7 And this is God’s plan: Both Gentiles and Jews who believe the Good News share equally in the riches inherited by God’s children. Both are part of the same body, and both enjoy the promise of blessings because they belong to Christ Jesus.7 By God’s grace and mighty power, I have been given the privilege of serving him by spreading this Good News.
Yes, I believe the good news. Thanks to my belief, or faith, in Christ Jesus, I inherit God’s riches and enjoy the promise of His blessings. All of which are found in His word and are imparted through my, and your, personal relationship with God. In my Spirit and now in my renewed Soul I want nothing more than to bring the people I love and all the people I meet to His Good News. This is God’s plan and purpose for my life. I understand it for myself as I have elaborated and I encourage you to do the same.
Thank you for your love and support
God Bless You